


But I'm Weak

by AFangirlFantasy



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Exes to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Past Character Death, Plot Twists, Sad, Sad Ending, don't hate me, i never write sad endings, mention of hallucinations, mention of medication, technically speaking they do, the sad ending doesn't mean that Harry and Louis don't end up together, this is so rare for me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:40:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24599920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AFangirlFantasy/pseuds/AFangirlFantasy
Summary: "You trying to drink me away?"It's ruthless - the sound, the cadence, the slight rasp in its texture from years of smoking cigarettes. It's ruthless, barging into Harry's soul until it captures every tattered piece that remains. And it's not fair, how after all this time, Harry can still recognize that voice.Or an AU where Harry hasn't seen Louis in months.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 20
Kudos: 88





	But I'm Weak

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooooo.....hi! I have to apologize in advance, I don't think you will be happy with me about this fic! I had actually written this concept years ago to be submitted for a writing contest, but I couldn't get the ending to be exactly what I wanted. Because of that, I had left it alone, but I happened upon it again while cleaning out my computer and decided it was time this story got some light. 
> 
> It's funny though because I NEVER write sad Larry fics, so this is my first and most likely only one I will ever do. 
> 
> I hope you like it regardless! Please let me know! :) 
> 
> As always, I love you all so much it hurts! <3

**But I'm Weak **

_They call me after dark, I don't want no part_  
 _My habits, they hold me like a grudge_  
 _I promise I won't budge  
_ Weak; AJR

It happens when he's most vulnerable, when he's at his lowest point since his last lowest point. When his unwashed, mahogany curls, lay atop the bar counter as his forehead is pressed to the wood. When his hand is clutching his fourth glass of whiskey, and he's holding on tight…too tight, in fear of falling apart if he dares to let it go. It's then and only then, that he hears the ghost of his past breach into his atmosphere, throwing out words like grenades to his heart.

"You trying to drink me away?"

It's ruthless - the sound, the cadence, the slight rasp in its texture from years of smoking cigarettes. It's ruthless, barging into Harry's soul until it captures every tattered piece that remains. And it's not fair, how after all this time, Harry can still recognize that voice.

Unwilling to look at the culprit, he mumbles out drunkenly an exasperated, "Louis."

The person, the boy, the beautiful creation of both man and body, sits down next to him. Harry can hear the movement as the plastic bar stool creeks under a new weight. And though he refuses to check, he can already picture Louis there, golden hair fluttering around his celestial face as two cosmic eyes demand the world's attention. Harry never stood a chance.

It was his destiny to orbit Louis like the moon.

"I guess you haven't had enough to forget me yet."

At this, Harry dares to glance at the boy awaiting his response. "I could never forget you."

"Then why drink so much?"

"That's different," he morbidly jokes, "I'm trying to forget how I _feel_ about you."

Louis' pink lips lift into a small grin, and while there's hurt etched within, it mostly shows that he appreciates Harry's honesty. Reluctantly, he admits, "I suppose I deserve that."

In the wake of an exhale that slowly departs, Louis hesitantly adds, "I really missed you, Harry. Just so you know."

In lieu of speaking, Harry gulps the last of his whiskey, wishing there were enough to drown himself in. While he is drunk, he's not drunk enough for this conversation. He's not drunk enough to tear open the barely bandaged wounds that still haven't found a way to heal. Although, maybe that's precisely why they should talk. To heal himself - to heal his heart. 

With that in mind, Harry suggests, "Why don't we take this back to my place?" And it takes everything in him not to say, 'our place,' since it hasn't been theirs since Louis left, but old habits die hard and so does the echo of what was almost uttered, as it hangs heavy around them. Harry can't help being glad the apartment is close by after that, not wanting to endure the silence that follows for even the two minutes they walk.

However, the magnitude of tension that erupts when Louis follows Harry inside, almost makes him wish for the silence back.

Memories ignite of them at twenty, moving into this very place. Of them celebrating with friends and family in this very room. Of them falling in love in this very home. When Louis left, every inch was a reminder of what was gone, and Harry spent weeks encased in it. Trapped with the remnants of his boyfriend, of his clothes, of his pictures, of his scent.

It took an intervention, alcohol, and even medication before Harry was able to step into society again. Before he could somewhat function again. His sister had washed his sheets, and his mom had washed the rest, but now and then, Harry catches the faintest hint of Louis' cologne that refuses to wash away. And even after all this time, he relapses all over again.

Having Louis here, having his scent _here_ , is just too fucking much. 

"I'm sorry, I can't do this," Harry's voice trembles. However, while he's implying for Louis to leave, he doesn't bring them to the door. Instead, he falls to his knees on the shaggy carpet beneath, as gentle hands tangle into his hair.

"I'm so sorry," Louis woefully says as he pulls Harry into his chest, allowing the boy to cry on his shoulder. "I didn't want to leave. I never wanted to leave you."

"But you still did."

"Yes, I still did. I had to."

Harry speaks into the juncture of his neck, "I tried so hard to hate you. I blamed you for everything, for making me feel this sad, for making me feel this lonely. I blamed you," Harry dryly laughs, "For making me fall in love with you just to rip it away. But I know," he sighs, "I know it's my fault too. I didn't notice the signs. I didn't notice that you were barely hanging on even when things seemed to be getting better. Fuck! I'm such a mess. I thought I could do it, but I can't. I can't fucking live without you."

"Harry," he hears brokenly called.

"No, I'm serious. I can't…I can't do this anymore."

Louis tilts Harry's chin up, forcing him to stare into somber, red eyes. "Harry, you have to. You have to start living for yourself."

"Not without you."

"You are never without me," he urges, "I promise, you are never without me."

There's so much urgency in Louis' plea, desperately begging Harry to take hold of his life. How can Harry look at him, his only love, and say no?

The answer? He can't.

"Okay."

"Promise me."

"I…I promise."

Relief encompasses them, and while Harry wants to talk more, Louis interrupts, "Thank you. And I know this is selfish, and I know we have things to discuss, but darling, I have missed you more than I can bear. Can we please go to our room? I just…I need you."

Harry understands all too well. The need to be in someone's arms tonight. So it's no surprise that he nods his head in consent. Yet, before they go, Harry questions. "Will you stay?"

A pause tangoes between Louis' answer, "Yeah. I'll stay."

However, he doesn't promise more than that, and maybe Harry should inquire further, but with intoxicated veins and the love of his life standing before him, asking to be loved again, how can Harry make any rational decisions?

Succumbing to his fate, Harry leads Louis to their bed, carefully and languidly giving his all to his lover. He wastes not one precious second as he reacquaints himself with Louis' soul. Touching every inch that his fingers can reach, kissing every curve that his lips have missed. Laying beneath him, Louis' hair feathers across his forehead and Harry is reminded of how easy it was to hand every piece of his heart to this creature.

"Lou?"

"Yes?"

"I still love you."

The saddest of grins encases Louis' face, "I love you too. Always."

Together, they come undone again and again, until the pain doesn't hurt as much as it used to. With reattached mouths and needy hands, the two hold on as the night transcends into pink hues of morning. Once sunlight twirls her way around the room, Harry awakens.

There's a text on his phone from his sister, reminding him to take his meds. Harry rolls his eyes and doesn't dare look at the other side of the bed, already knowing the truth of the emptiness that lies there. It's hard enough knowing, but it's too much to look at. Too much to truly visualize. Instead, he decides to bury himself further into his sheets.

However, a knocking at his door reels him from his cocoon.

"Harry," his sister, Gemma, greets as she enters into the apartment. "Took you long enough!"

Before Harry has a chance to argue, Gemma asks. "You ready?"

"Erm…yeah. Just needs shoes." Pulling on a pair of sneakers, Harry joins Gemma as they walk over a few blocks to a place they haven't been in a while. A place Harry often avoids even passing on his way home from work. As the patch of greenery comes into view up ahead, he can't help distracting his mind by replaying clips of last night in his head.

"I can't believe it's been six months since the last time we saw him," Gemma solemnly states.

"I can."

His sister frowns, "Sorry. I know it's hard for you."

The siblings keep from saying anything to each other as they walk the final steps towards their destination, "There he is," Gemma points out.

Too upset, Harry holds himself back as Gemma greets to the tombstone, "Hey Louis."

However, the grey plaque doesn't respond.

**RIP**

**Louis Tomlinson**

**09/10/1990 – 01/24/18**

**Loving son and partner**

Tears instantly brim his eyes while his sister comments, "Fuck, it feels like yesterday that he was here."

"Gem?" Harry timidly asks, "What if I told you that I saw Louis yesterday?"

Shifting abruptly to turn around, his sister's face screams concern as she responds, "Why would you ask me that?"

"Humor me."

"People don't come back from the dead, Harry. Ghosts aren't just hanging around. If you think you saw Louis yesterday, then you need to remember what your doctor said about your new meds."

"Which was?"

"That you could hallucinate if you drink alcohol while on them."

"But..."

"No. I know what you're thinking and no. It must have been a hallucination."

"Hallucination?"

"Yes."

Harry lays down on the grass and cries.

There's no way it would have felt so real, right? 

THE END.

**Author's Note:**

>  _Thank you so much!!_  
> 
> 
> Here is the [rebloggable post](https://afangirlfantasy.tumblr.com/post/620324592047751170/but-im-weak-by)  
> This is my main tumblr blog: [afangirlfantasy](http://afangirlfantasy.tumblr.com)  
> This is my fic rec / author rec side blog: [alarriefantasy](http://alarriefantasy.tumblr.com)


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